Lost Potential

"You don't go around grieving all the time, but the grief is still there and always will be." -  Nigella Lawson

What you are looking at is Tucker's 6th grade math homework. He was a human calculator. On the right is his.....algebra homework! On the left is his teacher showing him how to show his work. Tucker cried thinking that he had done it all wrong but it was not that he got the problems wrong it was that no one could tell how he got to the answers. Can you imagine the algorithms this child would have created, the technology he would of been a part of or scientific discovery he could of figured out if his life was not cut short by cancer. We will never know.

Grief is not just crying over memories or the way they were. Often grief, especially child loss, is the loss of potential. I believe that is why the grieving does not find closure the way it can when the elderly passes; whom have graduated high school, college, had careers, marriages, children and grandchildren, ect.... When a child or young adult dies you grieve the fact that they will never do those things nor will you get to experience those things with them.

So you see, it's not just getting over the fact that someone is not here anymore. It is not narcissistic attention seeking. It is not being weak-minded and feeble with too thin of skin. It's a much bigger picture than that and if you can understand that, then maybe you can understand why I still grieve and still need to grieve and will always grieve the loss of Tucker. Maybe you will stop expecting me to fix it or get better so it doesn't have to be a part of your life. If I am so will Tuck, even if you never met him. Maybe better understanding will help you understand me and how I need to be loved and cared for to make it through this life or even the rest of this day rather than seeing a needy, crazy person you think is making everything about her or always fucking up. Maybe you will see passed all of that and when you do, you will see me and believe for the first time that I truly am doing the best I can and that it really is pretty damn good, given the circumstances.